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Not gently into the night. Never Gently.

another day completely ruined. I've slipped and I'm now in the depths of depression. I fell like a stone into the pain. I'm going to have to fight my way out, because I refuse to be obliterated by the heavy meds that I would need. I will not allow my psyche to be physically raped. I will not allow myself to be reduced to a gibbering fragment of myself. I am all I have left, emotionally, and I will not let that slip. I want to remain the child my parents knew and love, not some empty medicated facisimile.

It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have massive idiosyncratic reactions to all of the major meds. I think it's because so many of them use the SSRI-style mechanism. I wonder if maybe I'm actually manifesting co-morbid depressive syndrome as a facet of my ADHD. There's not much information on that, and I think it may actually be a phantom-disorder. Still, it's something to think about. The exhaustion that's slamming down on me now is almost unbearable. I can't think straight and I'm having trouble focusing my eyes. There's an urge to surrender, but I am stronger than this.

I'm winning, bit by bit. Prayer helps, and meditation helps. the neighbors probably think I'm a little weird for singing in a different language, but they'll cope. After all, I think they'd find it just a bit more peculiar if I jumped three stories into their lawn. Suicide is not and never will be an option. I have too many things to work for and too many people whom I love deep and dear. I'll hold myself together, because no one will do it for me. They could, but they won't and I won't ask anyone to.